


The Young Rabbi of Hillel of Theed University

by MissCoppelia



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Conversion, Conversion to Judaism, F/M, Hanukkah, Jewish Character, Jewish Holidays, No Pregnancy, POV First Person, Professor Ben Solo, Rabbi Rey, Tattoos, Very belated Hanukkah anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:18:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCoppelia/pseuds/MissCoppelia
Summary: Ben finds a flyer advertising the on-campus Hillel meetings under his office door. Usually he wouldn't attend club meetings, particularly religious club meetings -he's an atheist Jew, after all- but something about the Rabbi's sermons draw him in.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 71
Kudos: 145
Collections: Comfort Gems 2020, Jewish Reylo Fics, Reylo Hidden Gems





	The Young Rabbi of Hillel of Theed University

**Author's Note:**

> Happy late Hanukkah, everyone! 
> 
> I uh... I wanted to get this written sooner, but things happened and I wasn't entirely happy with what I wrote. Then TRoS happened. And well, here we are. Hanukkah's basically over, but here's this fic to keep the miracle of the oil going. ;)
> 
> I tried something new here and wrote in first person. Not so sure how it turned out, so let me know in the comments! This is woefully un-betaed.

There’s always too many students in the halls. Too many bodies to get past. Too much chaos.

Don’t they realize that if all of them take the shortcut through this building that it’s just going to slow them down as they rush to their next class?

Oh, well, not a whole lot to do about it. I’ve got time between classes and my office is in this building. It’s a fucking matchbox, but they don’t give the good offices to professors who have only just started teaching. That’ll be five or ten years from now. But it’s mine and it’s the only reprieve I have from the chaos outside, so I’ll take it. Plus I hear the liberal arts professors have to share offices. Either way, I miss the summer weeks. It was so quiet.

There’s a bunch of flyers under the door when I unlock the door. I can see half of them are invitations to various barbecues at first glance. Math department barbecues, student association barbecues, tailgate parties for the first football games of the year. I hate sports. And socializing. And barbecues? No thanks. 

Still, I have to check through each sheet of paper because a few weeks ago the department head sent us a notice about a mandatory meeting to prevent sexual assault on campus, and I threw it out on accident. Can’t let that happen again. 

There’s a flyer that catches my eye. It’s got Stars of David down the sides in black and white. It’s been ages since I’ve given two shits about doing anything remotely Jewish aside from a few obligatory holidays with the family, but it’s worth a look. At least then I can tell Mom I looked. If she asks. She’ll probably bring it up tomorrow.

  
  
**Hillel of Theed University presents our first Shabbat dinner of the new year:**

**‘The Jew-ish Question: Thoughts on Modern Jewish Identity’**   
**presented by Rabbi Rey followed by Shabbat dinner.**

**Friday, September 6 - 8 PM - Naberrie Hall**

_What the fuck?_  
  
I scan the paper once again looking for some kind of clue as to why the fuck the Hillel of a large university would allow a rabbi to give a sermon that calls back to fucking Nazi propaganda. It makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, so I crumple up the paper and toss it in my trash can with the rest of the flyers.

My mind should be on grading for my next class, but this. _This…_

A million things race through my brain. Is there rampant anti-Semitism on this campus? Does anyone know I’m Jewish? Is that why this got stuck under my door? 

No, no, I’m overreacting. No one here really knows I’m Jewish. They can’t guess from my last name. That’s just the paranoia my parents and grandparents passed on talking. The schmuck who’s giving this sermon must be the type that looks for ways to connect with the younger generation. Probably has a sad goatee and a guitar and likes to flirt with controversy. That’s perfect for the college kids. 

* * *

Hux followed me to my office today. Asshole hasn’t even offered to hold my shit as I try to unlock my door. He’s just standing there while I’m struggling to balance all these books and get the key in.

Fuck him.

There’s a couple of flyers when I walk in the door. There always seem to be a couple at the start of the week. Never as many as the first few weeks of the year, but a few at least. I see the Stars of David right as Hux steps on them.

I wish him a swift and painful death. It might be a little thing, but I think he might be the single worst person I’ve ever met.

He sits in my one chair without asking as I put my books down and reach for the flyers. 

**Hillel of Theed University High Holiday Services 5780:**

**Rosh Hashanah - September 29-October 1**

Day 1 - Sermon by Rabbi Joshua of Congregation B’nai Israel: Learning in Judaism - 10 AM

Day 2 - Sermon by Rabbi Rey: Navigating Interfaith Relationships - 10 AM

**Yom Kippur - October 8-9**

Kol Nidre: 8 PM

Morning Services: 8 AM 

Yitzkor & Sermon by Rabbi Rey: Politics, Palestine & Judaism - Kindness or Survival? - 10 AM

Neilah: 5 PM

Break Fast: 8 PM

**_All events held at Naberrie Hall_ **

Rabbi Rey’s name catches my eye again and this time the sermons actually look interesting. But it’s High Holidays. There’s no fucking way I’m sitting in services long enough to catch a sermon. It would take _hours._ I’ve got midterms to start putting together this week. Besides. I didn’t even take off from my classes those days. 

“Hey Solo, I don’t have all day,” Hux snaps. “Are we going to talk about our research or not?”

The flyer ends up in the trash.

* * *

The flyer’s here again. Even if I’m not going to go, I’m starting to look forward to seeing it.

This time there’s even more events. All the fall holidays and a sermon from Rabbi Rey for each one. Why do we have so many fall holidays anyway?

Sukkot is “Harvesting a Jewish Life Through Sustainable Agriculture.” That makes sense. Theed University has a massive agricultural sciences department here. Half the university’s land is pastures and fields about 30 minutes out of town. I wonder if the Hillel chapter is building a Sukkah. They must be.

Shemini Atzeret? I don’t even remember that holiday. Must not have gone to synagogue for it as a kid. The Rabbi’s lecture is “Why Love G-d When You Could Be Agnostic?” which actually gets me thinking about what the rabbi’s arguments could possibly be. But when I actually think about sitting through a long, drawn-out service, my curiosity vanishes.

Finally, there’s Simchat Torah, which I’m pretty sure is the one where you unwind all the Torah scrolls and dance around. For that one, it’s “Finding Meaning in the Torah When You Can’t Read Hebrew.” It doesn’t really make sense, but I guess most kids forgot Hebrew after their bar or bat mitzvahs. I’ve forgotten more Hebrew since becoming an adult than I think I ever learned. There’s no one to speak with. 

Maybe next month when there aren’t so many holidays.

* * *

**Hillel of Theed University November Shabbat Dinner**

**“Sex Positivity in Judaism” presented by Rabbi Rey**

**NOV 7 PM - Naberrie Hall**

I know this one is just to raise eyebrows and get butts into seats, but it’s working. My butt is in this seat. I’m here on a Friday night because I want to see this putz’s sad goatee and Hawaiian shirt as he tries to relate to kids two or three decades younger than him about sex. 

I tried to get here a few minutes late, but count on my people to not be on time. Everyone’s just mingling and I’ve been pulled into a conversation by one of my students because of course one of my students is here tonight.

“I didn’t know you were Jewish, Professor!”

I can’t remember her name for the life of me, but she’s the kind of girl who’s always in a full face of makeup, her hair perfect, and dressed to the nines for an eight am general ed calculus class when all of her fellow students are in sweatpants and clutching various cups full of caffeine.  
  
“Yeah. Kinda.” 

“It’s so nice to see you here. Do you usually come to Hillel?”

She’s just as bubbly and done up on a Friday night, and I wish I could get away because she’s making me a little uncomfortable with the looks she’s giving me, but it seems rude somehow. I don’t know. I haven’t been teaching long enough to know how to handle this with grace. There weren’t any flashy girls in my classes when I was working on my PhD. What am I going to say? _Sorry, kid, I’m only here to silently laugh at the Rabbi?_

“No. Just wanted to see it, I guess,” is what I say instead.

“Oh. Okay. Do you want to sit with us, Professor Solo?” she asks. 

I look over where to where she’s gesturing. Her friends seem to be cringing at my presence and that makes me want to sit there even less, but the table’s at the very back so I could escape if the sermon is too terrible for words. 

“Ah, sure, I guess.” I hope that sounds uninterested enough. I don’t want her getting any weird thoughts. 

Just as I reach for the chair, the door at the back bursts open. The young woman who comes barrelling through it with armfuls of shopping bags glances at me as she passes, with a slight frown on her face. Like I’m some kind of intruder.

By the time she reaches the front of the room, other students have run up to help her and she’s all smiles. Looks like she’s the chapter president and she’s just rushed from the store for the challah and Manischewitz. 

She’s pretty. And I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that about someone who could wind up in one of my classes, but there’s something about her wispy brown hair, the curve of her neck where it meets the collar of her jacket, and high cheek bones that make me want to get a better look at her face. She’s distracting. I wish she wasn’t a student. I guess dating in a college town is going to be tricky. 

Right now she’s chopping up challah with the speed of a thousand horses while chattering away with the person who’s pouring the grape juice. There’s something pinned to her head that glints in the lighting, but I can’t get a good look at that either. I guess the Shabbat service will start as soon as the rabbi shows up. It’s only 20 minutes past the start time. I haven’t seen anyone who looks like a rabbi in the room, but I take another look around just in case he’s shown up too. 

When my head turns back to the front of the room, I see the woman standing and taking something else out of her bags. It doesn’t hit me when I see the gold embroidery or the blue velvet. It hits me when I see white fabric slipping out of the pouch and fringes of the tzitzit uncurling. She’s holding the tallit out and kissing the corners and saying the blessings as she wraps it around her head and her shoulders. 

_Fuck,_ she’s the rabbi, isn’t she? She must be because she’s grabbing the mic and turning to the audience with a wonderfully sweet smile. People are clapping and cheering for her already.

“Shabbat Shalom, everyone.”

“Shabbat Shalom!” 

“I see a few new faces in the audience,” she says, looking right at me with that same easy, cheerful smile on her face. “For those who don’t know me, I’m Rabbi Rey and I work with Hillel as a volunteer rabbi for the Theed U chapter. Thank you for coming tonight. Let’s begin our service!”

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, she really is the Rabbi. 

Her singing voice is beautiful. I’ve never really paid attention to the singing and chanting during a Shabbat service before. Usually it’s shit. Rabbis can’t sing. That’s what the cantors are for on Saturday mornings. But right now I’m watching the way her mouth makes each sound perfect like I’ve never heard this prayer, these words, these sounds before. I’m disappointed when the service ends. I want to hear more of that beautiful voice, not less. 

The only consolation is that she’s bringing the giant plate of challah from table to table while someone else passes out the grape juice. I gulp as I realize she’s approaching mine.  
  
“Hello, welcome.” 

I stupidly looked away for a moment, so that I didn’t look like I was staring. But now she’s right next to me, smiling down at me as the kids take fistfuls of bread.

“Hi,” I say back. 

She’s gone with another flash of a smile to the next table. I get to hear her sing the prayers over the bread and the grape juice. Neither have ever tasted this sweet before. 

“Thank you everyone for joining me this Shabbat,” she says into the mic once everyone’s munching away. “I know a few of you have been looking forward to this sermon after asking me to speak about the subject of sexuality in Judaism.” 

There are a few hoots and hollers, but the crowd dies down quickly. I can feel my whole body turning red at the mention of the subject matter. This changes everything. I probably can’t laugh at a woman trying to make sense of how religion polices sex. It’s probably going to be a take down. It’s probably going to be serious.  
  
“I have to say,” Rey starts, clasping the mic as she begins to pace. “I didn’t know a lot about Judaism’s opinions on sex before this. I had to research a lot. But you’ve probably seen one of those people who love to quote from the Torah about how men shouldn’t sleep with men, thou shalt not commit adultery, etc.” 

There’s a few people in the audience groaning already, but she just smiles. “Those are negatives, the things that make us feel like Judaism is not a sex positive religion. But on the other hand we have so many Jewish texts that tell us a man must frequently have sex with his wife - not just to reproduce - and must arouse his wife and bring her to orgasm before he does. And there are so many laws about who can and cannot consent to sexual relations - a list that matches almost perfectly with modern rules about consent. So the question remains: Can Judaism be sex-positive when there are all these rules telling us who we can and can’t sleep with?”

She stops, looking over the room as we contemplate her question. Her gaze travels over the whole crowd, but when she looks over at me -at least, I think it’s me she’s looking at- there’s a hint of a smile on her lips.

“There are people who, whenever the Torah is quoted as opposing gay sex, like to quote the Torah and talk about how God also commanded that men take their female slaves as concubines or wives - how we’ve stopped such practices because they are wrong. Therein lies the key, I believe, to unlocking Jewish sexuality.”

“If sex is all about reproduction in Judaism - be fruitful and multiply, as it were,” she continues, returning to her pacing. “Why bother commanding men to have sex with their wives just because? Why bother giving their wives orgasms? Surely, this means that in sex there is meant to be joy and love, and more than just a means to an end.”

Now she’s starting to gesticulate, her hands weighing her questions and answers as if they are the scales of justice. Lady Justice personified. “So if we are willing to push away the practices of the old times that feel wrong to us now, then why do we insist on keeping all these other rules about sex that also feel wrong? Shouldn’t we focus instead - if not on reproduction and marriage because maybe some of you guys aren’t ready for that just yet - on bringing joy and love to other people through our sex lives?”

The audience is clapping and whistling, but I wish they’d shut up and let her talk. She’s smiling now, but quickly her hands move behind her back and the room falls to a hush like they already know what that means. 

Rabbi Rey has them well trained. I may have to try that during lectures.

“Traditional Judaism might tell you that _no_ \- you should not because that kind of sexuality is an abomination. Maybe they’re right. Maybe we are not following G-d’s way. There is no way for us to truly know after the destruction of the Temple. All we have are our hearts and our minds, telling us what we think is right. We follow this instinct in every other aspect of our lives and Judaism encourages us to do so, why not with sex too?”

Holy shit. Where the fuck has this kind of thinking been all my life? Is this really Judaism? I honestly can’t believe they let rabbis like her get ordained. This would never fly at my uncle’s synagogue. He wouldn’t let it.

“Judaism, above all else, values life.” 

The room is eerily quiet as the rabbi begins her conclusion. If I wasn’t hanging on her every word, I’d want to look around at the faces of the students here to see if they are as moved as I am. But there’s no way I want to miss a single thing she says. 

“If life is so important, then we must find the best ways to live it. And having a meaningful sex life, whatever kind of sex life suits you, is just one way to do that.”

The room explodes into applause at that. You can just barely hear her say “Shabbat Shalom, everyone! Go eat!” over the din. Multiple students are rushing her, giving her hugs. A few of them are in tears, and she soothes them with gentle touches and smiles, and words just for them.

I don’t really want to stay for dinner, but I’m still processing the weight of her sermon - the _freedom_ that it gives- when she’s suddenly in front of me.

“Hi! You’re new here, right?” She asks with a smile and an outstretched hand. “Grad student?” 

I take her hand automatically, but it takes my brain a second to concentrate on more than all the colors in her hazel eyes. “Oh uh, no, I’m a professor. Math department. My first year teaching here.” 

“Oh wow, you seem so young for a professor.” Her smile grows even wider as we shake hands for a little too long. I can’t help it, my hand doesn’t want to let go of hers. “My name is Rey Johnson. I’m the volunteer rabbi with Hillel.” 

“Ben Solo. Nice to meet you, Rabbi. Wonderful speech.”

“Oh gosh, honestly I’m a little embarrassed that that’s the speech you had to hear.” Her cheeks are slightly flushed as we finally drop each other’s hands. 

“Don’t be. It was very moving. I wish I had heard that sort of thing growing up at my shul.”  
  
I don’t know how my voice got so soft. Why I’m whispering like it’s some secret thing that only her ears can hear.  
  
“Thank you.” With a tiny smile, Rey looks down at her feet for a moment. I can’t tell what she’s thinking, but I get a feeling like she’s more grateful for the compliment than she lets on. My heart breaks at the thought of someone not telling her that she’s amazing.

“Seriously, why did you choose tonight to attend?” Like a lightning bolt, a laugh breaks out from her. It startles me. “I hadn’t expected any _real_ adults to hear it.”

“Oh, uh-” The words aren’t coming quickly, so I laugh to cover my nervousness. “Honestly? I didn’t want to attend a holiday service. I’m… not very religious.” 

Rey just shrugs as she walks over to the foodline. “You’re in good company here. Sometimes it’s more about community than religion. These kids just want to have fun and be Jewish.” 

I wasn’t going to stay for dinner, but it seems rude not to now. She hands me a plate and smiles. “No judgments here.”  
  
That makes me laugh. “None? Are you sure this is a Jewish organization?”  
  
“Well, none from me, at least. I can’t vouch for the students,” she says with a giggle.  
  
 _Fuck,_ my heart.

We load up our plates with baked ziti and salad, and I follow Rey towards the tables. She sits at mine, which gets the students all excited.

“You’re sitting with us, Rabbi?” 

Rey gives them a smile. “If you’ll have me.” 

Of course, they want her there. How could they not? Immediately she gets dragged into a discussion of how her sermon relates to their personal lives, including some very detailed descriptions of the people they’ve been hooking up with, but Rey handles them all with grace. She knows all their names too. The girl in my class is apparently Mackenzie. I’ll remember that in case I have to use it.

I don’t even mind not getting to talk to her. It’s just as wonderful seeing her so passionate about each and every person who comes before her. There’s tea and some desserts out on food tables now, so I go to grab some. For the both of us because I can’t see Rey being able to escape from the discussion long enough to get something and her voice sounds a little harsher than when she sat down.

When I set the cup of tea down next to her, she pulls herself away for a second to look at it. Her eyes flit up to me, and I can feel my breath catching in my throat as her lips curl into a little smile.

“I brought some cake too.” I hope she can’t see my ears turning red.

“Thank you, Professor Solo.” 

I want to tell her just Ben is fine, but with the kids here… _Fucking kids._ I just nod and sit down again and stuff my mouth with a slice of lemon poppy seed pound cake while Rey takes a sip of her tea and exhales with a happy sigh.  
  
“So tell me, Professor. Would you come to Hillel again?” 

_I-_

_Yes, for you, Rabbi._

No. That would be creepy.

_I-_

She’s looking at me expectantly and all I can think of to tell her is that I really like her for reasons I can’t think of and that I’m _NOT_ looking to become more religious. I’m mostly an atheist, but scientifically it doesn’t make sense to rule out God’s existence without proof, so mostly I don’t think about it. 

“It’s a student organization. I’m sure the students don’t want an old fart like me hanging around.”

Rey raises an eyebrow at me and I regret the words immediately.  
  
“We don’t mind, Professor Solo!” Mackenzie chirps from across the table. It’s followed by whispers of “teacher’s pet,” and “cringe,” and I can’t help but feel bad for her as her face turns red.

Meanwhile Rey’s smile has turned a bit colder. “I disagree. I think it’s important for the students to see people they admire involved in the Jewish community.”

I can’t help but laugh at that. “I doubt any of my students admire me. You should see my RateTheed page. I haven’t even taught here for a full quarter yet and I have two stars.”

“No one goes on there to write positive reviews, Professor Solo! It’s not your fault!” Mackenzie again. 

“Wow girl, tone it down,” one of her friends retorts. “You’re already getting an A in his class, right?”

Rey sighs. “Guys, please remember to be kind to one another.”

My chest feels tight. Nothing feels quite right. I can’t think of anything that will ease this tension, but the words keep spilling out of my mouth nonetheless. “It’s alright, I know my lectures are boring and no one wants to be there except for the Math majors.”

Rey shoots me a reproachful look, and I know I’ve just stuck my foot in my mouth further.

“Ben,” she begins, placing a hand on my forearm. It’s everything I want, yet it’s doing nothing to help the situation. “Even if what you think about your classes is true, they get to see another side of you here. It’s different.”

“But I’m not sure I want to be so involved.”

God fucking damn my stupid mouth. All of the concern drains from Rey’s face and is replaced only by sadness and hurt. Someone at the table is whispering “oh noooooo” and I don’t even want to look at the students.  
  
Fuck. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with student organizations. The drama. The mocking. No, thank you. I don’t need to be close to them just to teach them. 

“Well, I don’t want to pressure you at all,” Rey says as she gets up from the table. Her sadness has been replaced with that cold politeness again. “It was lovely to meet you, Professor Solo. Hope to see you again sometime.”

“Oh shit, she mad,” another student says, also thinking he’s whispering far softer than he actually is.

The second her back is turned, I leave as well.

* * *

The guilt is eating at me. 

I wish I knew where Rey worked. She’s not listed as a member of the clergy at any of the local synagogues. I’m not about to crash Sisterhood meetings just to see if she shows up. Hillel only has events once a month. I’m not a fucking stalker or something.

I’ve been making the homework harder in my classes and my research with Hux with more enthusiasm just to distract myself. It only works for so long. I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have far too many moments where my mind is un-distracted enough to think about her. 

I know I’ve blown it. It’s not that I don’t want to be involved, but why go to Hillel when I don’t care about anything or anyone there but her? I’m not religious. I don’t believe in God, really. Why would I go? It’s for the students, not for someone like me. Rey is there for the students too, not for someone like me who’s accidentally shown up and fallen in love at first sight. And she’d never fall for someone like me, someone who won’t be involved in Jewish life with her. It wouldn’t make sense for her to date someone like that. 

But I wish I could at least apologize.

* * *

The flyer’s waiting for me when I get back from the Thanksgiving holiday. Uncle Luke (fuck him) noticed my mood and everyone spent the whole weekend trying to make me spill the details. There wasn’t anything to tell them, but that seemed to only make them try harder.  
  
Honestly… It’s not that I hate them, but I hate _that._

I step over the papers littering the floor and put my things down at my desk before I bother to pick them up. 

**HILLEL OF THEED UNIVERSITY PROUDLY PRESENTS**

**OUR 2019 HANUKKAH BASH!**

**One last hurrah before finals!**

**DECEMBER 13 - 6 PM - NABERRIE HALL**

**SHABBAT, LATKES, DREIDELS, SUFGANIYOT & ** **_MORE!_ **

I should go. I should apologize. I should explain.

Does she even want my pathetic excuses?

I almost don’t notice that there’s no sermon listed on the flyer.

* * *

This time I’m 30 minutes late and the Shabbat service has already started. I stay in the back of the hallway, watching as she sings the prayers. Once her back is turned, I slip into an empty chair at one of the back tables, earning me a few looks from the students there.  
  
Rey doesn’t notice me until she passes out the challah. Her mouth falls open ever so slightly as our eyes meet, but then she’s all smiles again.  
  
“Professor Solo, you’re back!” She says, sounding happier than I expected. “Shabbat Shalom!”

“Shabbat Shalom,” I repeat back, and all over again I can’t stop from falling for her. God, this is bad. Rey really doesn’t need someone like me hanging around her. 

My thoughts are interrupted by cheers as she walks in front of the mic. “Instead of a sermon tonight, I thought we’d do something a little different… So please welcome your officers as we perform a Hanukkah spiel!” 

I can’t help but smile as Rey narrates the story of Hanukkah and a small group of inept college students pretend like they know how to act. It reminds me of the goofy Purim spiels we’d put on in Hebrew School as a kid. I’m sure I was just as bad while pretending to be Mordecai or Haman, but this kind of thing has its own charm. Maybe it’s just the enthusiasm everyone puts into it. Even as the narrator, Rey is being as overdramatic and silly as the role allows. The audience loves it just as much.

The little play ends with thunderous applause and cheers, but in typical college student fashion, the excitement quickly shifts to the piles of latkes and jelly donuts waiting to be devoured.  
  
 _Maybe I should leave,_ I think as I watch Rey hug and talk to a few people. She’s clearly fine. She’s having a good night. I shouldn’t ruin it for her. 

“What happened to not being so involved?”

Her voice is a little loud. Immediately I spin around and see her trying to cross the distance between us. She doesn’t care who hears.  
  
“I came to apologize for last time.”

Rey smiles, as beautiful and warm and welcoming as ever. “Unnecessary apology accepted. Do you like Hanukkah?”

I can’t help but frown at that, not just the swiftness of her forgiveness, but her questionf. “Who doesn’t like Hanukkah?” It’s literally the least annoying holiday. No long synagogue service because it’s not in the Torah. It’s just songs and candles and weird little traditions.

Rey shrugs, her eyes turning back onto the students. “Plenty of people, I suppose. Some don’t like how it’s becoming the Jewish version of Christmas.”

“That’s bullshit. We’ve got our own traditions. Adding presents and decorations doesn’t make it Christmas.”

“You’re so right.”

We don’t say anything for awhile, we just watch the students work through the food line and start scarfing obscene amounts of potato and sour cream and apple sauce.

“You’re staying for dinner, right? Eat with me.”  
  
“Are you sure?” I’m honestly surprised she wants me around any longer, but I suppose it’s in her job description to be welcoming.  
  
So I can’t really be hurt when she throws me a look that says “of course, I’m sure, you big dumbass,” and heads toward the food. Our fingers brush when she hands me the spoon for the sour cream, and there’s a little flush to her cheeks when I see her tuck her head down to concentrate on getting a tomato from the salad bowl. 

But that has to be my imagination. It really has to be. Yeah, she has a pretty rosy complexion over all, a light tan. I’m definitely just imagining things. 

She finds a table with only a few students and across the room I can see Mackenzie’s shoulders sag. It’s for the best. The poor kid won’t get teased this time. Rey and I are eating in relatively silence anyway. A few of the kids compliment her on the Hanukkah spiel. One of the officers comes up and whispers a question in her ear.

She stands, abandoning her plate, and presses a hand to my forearm. 

“I have to deal with something. Please stay?”

I nod and she smiles at me, squeezes my arm, and is off in another second. I don’t bother looking where she’s gone. It doesn’t matter. She didn’t even need to ask. She could have demanded that I stay and I would have done so happily. 

I take another bite of a latke with sour cream, the milkiness filling my mouth as the salty crunch of potato follows, and I feel overwhelmed. 

Why do I feel so disconnected from Judaism? Is the structure of organized religion? It is a religion that demands a lot. There are so many rules about how to eat, how to dress, how to pray. It never made sense to me why all that was necessary. Wasn’t it better that you prayed at all? Wasn’t it more important to be good? 

These kinds of questions and a million more press at my mind as I eat. At least I think I eat. I don’t taste anything, really, but eventually I do feel a hand at my shoulder and I turn to look at its owner. 

It’s Rey, and suddenly the world comes flooding back. There’s a few students wiping down tables, folding up the chairs, calling out goodbyes to their friends.  
  
“Sorry that took so long. The kitchen was an absolute disaster zone.” 

“No problem,” I say as she flops into her seat and unceremoniously stuffs a latke into her mouth with her fingers. 

She gives a little groan as she does. “So fucking good. I wish I could make them like this.” 

I try my hardest not to flush at the sound. It’s a little too much for me. No woman wants a man thinking about her making those kinds of sounds when they aren’t even dating. “Never met a rabbi who curses before.” 

Rey raises her eyebrows as she wraps her lips around one of her greasy fingers. “Oh?”

“Yeah. You’re very different from the rabbis I’ve known before.” 

She grins like the Cheshire Cat at that, switching out the first finger for another, and another. “Good. I hope that means I’m not boring.” 

“Definitely not.” 

“What are you doing after this?” She asks, picking up another latke as if she wasn’t casually asking leading questions.

“Uhhh.” My heart is pounding at the possibilities of her question while my head is screaming at me not to read too much into it. “Nothing.”

Rey grabbed her plate and stood. “Good! Then you can stay and talk so more while I clean up.”

I stood as well. “Can I help?”

This time her grin isn’t as big as before, but she looks pleased. “I knew I liked you. Can you help me break down tables and chairs?” 

I nod and she orders some of the kids to clean the kitchen. We start folding chairs and stacking them onto the storage carts. 

“Doing anything exciting over the break?” She asks as she bends low to fold the chairs.

“Not really. Just the first night of Hanukkah with my parents. I’ll enjoy the quiet on campus.” 

Rey hums, and I’m not sure why it sounds almost sad. A bit wistful, for sure. 

“What about you?” 

“Nothing special. Just work.”

Just work. What’s just work for a rabbi? “Do you work for any of the local synagogues?”

She shakes her head sadly. “I work for the cemetery. I can help organize funerals for a few faiths, and lead the Jewish ones if people need a rabbi.”

I grab a few of the chairs that she’s folded. “That sounds pretty depressing.” 

Rey shakes her head as she follows me to the cart. “It’s a part of life. And I like being able to help people.”

“But you’re such a talented speaker. I don’t understand why one of the congregations here hasn’t snatched you up.” 

The chairs crash into each other no matter how gently I place them on the rack. When I turn back, Rey isn’t looking at me, but at some nebulous point somewhere across the room. She looks like she’s just barely holding in her distaste. “Probably has something to do with being a convert.”

I can feel the rage boil up in me. Is that why she’s stuck working some depressing job? Sure, she probably does it well, but she should be someone’s rabbinical intern at least. One of the larger congregations’ youth leader. _Something!_

“That’s- That’s fucking bullshit. You deserve a place in the community.”  
  
When she looks back at me, tears are starting to fill her eyes. “It’s fine. I’m used to it.” 

Her deflection does nothing to ease my anger. “No, no it’s not fine! I’m sorry, Rabbi, but you’re telling me that you converted - you _chose_ to join this crazy-ass religion, to do all the things it asks of you, and also to become a fucking rabbi, but they can’t treat you with the respect you deserve? It’s so fucked up. Why the fuck do people _do_ that?”

The tears have spilled down Rey’s cheeks, and I feel terrible for starting this whole conversation. She stares at me for a moment before a laugh escapes the back of her throat. “You’re sweet.”

Carefully she takes her fingers and wipes under her eyes. Probably has a little makeup on, though her eyes are pretty enough on their own. “I’ll be fine though. Really, I will. That’s why I like volunteering with Hillel. It’s like having my own little congregation.” 

“I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry.”

Rey shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it, Professor Solo. I know you mean well.” 

I can’t help but frown. “Please call me Ben. You’re not one of my students.” 

Most of the tears are gone now, but her eyes are still bright from the wetness. Still, she smiles easily. “Ben…” 

Just hearing her say my name makes me heart leap too fast in my chest. We finish the chairs and the tables in silence. By then the students have finished up the kitchen cleaning, so Rey sends them home and breaks out the vacuum. I try to convince her to let me do it, but she won’t give in. 

“You can drive me home instead.”

“You walked?” I know my surprise is probably uncontained on my face.  
  
“I’m experimenting with bits and pieces of being shomer shabbos,” Rey tells me. “Just to see what I like best.”  
  
“How’s that going?” I ask as she flips on the vacuum. 

Rey looks down at it and scowls. “I guess not very well.” 

She lets me take the vacuum after that and laughs at me as I run around the room with it. Listen, I like to keep clean, but vacuuming the most boring task if you don’t do it fast. So I developed this weird method to push a vacuum like cart when I was 10 and started getting the really boring chores. It works well enough. 

“I’ll still drive you home,” I tell her as we put the machine away. 

* * *

She doesn’t live far. Just 10 blocks away in a little duplex bungalow that probably looks a lot more charming in the daytime. It takes no time at all to get there. I turn my head toward her as my car pulls to a stop in front. She doesn’t take off her seatbelt yet, just looks out the window at her own place. 

“Everything okay?”  
  
Rey nods, but goes quiet for another moment before turning back towards me. She’s not really looking at me. She’s looking at my hands for some reason.

“I’m glad you came back to Hillel tonight. I wanted to see you again.” She says softly.  
  
I can tell I’m flushing. I can feel the heat on my skin. “Yeah. I’m sorry again about last month, Rabbi. I was an ass.”

“Ben…” She sounds a little upset. That probably wasn’t what she was talking about. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just want too much from her. _With_ her. It’s not good. There’s no way she wants the same things.

“I don’t want you to call me that.” 

Her hand is on mine suddenly, our fingertips are just barely touching because she’s shaking a little. When I look up at her, she seems like she might just burst all at once.  
  
“Call me Rey,” she tells me. Her voice is still so soft, so full of emotion. “Please.” 

“Okay. Rey.”

At the sound of her name, her eyes drop lower and I’m not quite sure what could possibly be on my chin, so I don’t notice her moving. I don’t notice her until she’s so close and then she’s pressing her lips to mine before I can even react or move away.  
  
But oh God, I don’t want to move away now that she’s kissing me. I didn’t imagine that part, right? Rey’s really kissing me? I didn’t just accidentally kiss her and rewrite my memory? 

No, it can’t be just my imagination because her hands are on my cheeks as she pulls back a little bit. They’re holding me in place while she looks up at me for permission to kiss me again.  
  
“Rey.” It comes out as a groan because I truly don’t know how to speak at the moment. I’m not sure how I’m remembering to breathe. 

She dips back in for another kiss and this time I catch the taste of latkes we were eating on her lips. My hands remember they exist now, and one of the reaches across the console to pull at her waist, to bring her just a little closer. She presses her lips against mine harder as she shifts closer, and my other hand is just at her wrist, my thumb stroking the back of her palm. 

“Come inside?” she asks when we pull apart again. Her lips look so pretty in the slight dark, the way they flush and relax from being kissed.  
  
I wish I could find the words to tell Rey that she doesn’t need to ask. She could tell me her ever desire, and I would do it willingly. Each command would feel like a mitzvah, coming from her lips. So I nod and we exit the car, finding each other’s hand quickly as if to be apart for too long would hurt. She hurries to find her keys and unlock the door. 

It’s a small place. Not the kind of place I’d rent myself. I’m too big and gangly for tiny places. But God how I want to make myself fit in here, so I never have to leave her side. Rey takes me into the little room that’s both her kitchen and dining room and living room. It’s full of little things, pretty things. I wonder why she holds on to so many little things.  
  
Rey’s the one who pushes me toward the couch, bidding me to sit, while she drops her purse on the table. That means letting go of our hands, which is the only hard part of obeying this particular command. But it’s not for long at all because as soon as she’s deposited her things, she’s straddling my lap and kissing me again. 

This time her hands are in my hair, her tongue finds its way into my mouth, and her teeth nip at me every so often. This time I can hold her properly, and press her body against mine. It feels so right, I wonder why I’ve been fighting it this past month.

That’s why it hurts so much when my senses return and I realize why I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve imagined something more with Rey. My heart seizes upon itself, trying to fight all the instincts to love her with cruel logic.

I push her back as gently as I can. I can feel myself beginning to shake as the words come up my throat. “Rey, you shouldn’t get involved with someone like me.”  
  
From her perch in my arms, she frowns. “Someone like you? What’s wrong with someone like you?” 

“I don’t really believe in God,” I tell her, gulping down all my fears and letting them sit heavy in my stomach. “And obviously you’re looking for someone Jewish-”

“You’re Jewish,” she says questioningly as she squeezes my shoulders. 

“I don’t believe in God though. And you do. And you’re a rabbi. How would that work? An atheist and a rabbi together? I’d only hold you back.”

I can see her mind working, ready to snap back at me, to tell me I’m wrong. Her lip trembles for a moment.  
  
“I don’t care what the hell you believe in or don’t believe in,” she says sharply. “That doesn’t matter.”  
  
“But it does. With your job, it’s not going to help you at all.” 

“I don’t care about that!” Rey snaps. The anger in her voice steals my breath away. “This is… What’s the word? Beshert? That’s how I feel about you, Ben!” 

It takes me a moment to remember it. My parents, my uncle, never used it much. But once it’s there, it’s like it suddenly all makes sense. Destined. Pre-ordained.

It’s stupid and religious, and yet exactly how I’ve been feeling too. 

“Ben,” she pleads, and I hear the hint of tears in her voice. “I’m not some perfect convert. Just because I decided to become a rabbi doesn’t mean I have to live a certain way, or have a bunch of other Jews tell me what to do with my life.”  
  
She wriggles out of my grasp, and for a moment I think to pull her back. The look in her eyes tells me not to. Without breaking eye contact, she peels off her blue jacket. There’s a long-sleeved top underneath, and she reaches for that too.  
  
“Rey, no, wait.” 

Her top is off her head a moment later, exposing her bra and her skin and dozens of tattoos. 

There are so many. Black and white and colorful, covering her chest, her arms, her stomach. There are flowers and faces and words. A few creatures wrap around her sides too. They stop at her elbows and the line of her tan where her blouses must lay most days. She covers them up, the skin pale around the ink.

“I converted because I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I learned about Judaism,” Rey tells me. “Before that, I did this to myself. I got all these tattoos so I wouldn’t lose the things important to me. I was- alone, always so alone.”

A heaving sigh lifts her torso up, and then down with a shaky breath. “I’ll never be a perfect Jew, no matter what I do. Not even if I manage to save enough money to have all these removed.”  
  
I want to ask her the story behind each one. I want to kiss each one. 

“Ben, I don’t care if you’re not the perfect person for a rabbi. I’m the weirdest rabbi I’ve ever met. All I want is _you._ ”

Rey wants me. That much is clear now. Even though she shouldn’t. But she does… who else do we need to ask for permission? God? I’ve never been so sure that God would be okay with something in my life, so who am I to resist her when my own heart is singing too? My hands reach for hers, pull her back towards me, and wrap around her waist to bring my head to her chest.

“Don’t get them removed.”

“Ben?” Her hands trace my shoulders and run up my neck to rest in my hair. It feels good. It feels right. I pull her closer because if she’s giving me permission to be with her, then I can’t ever let go.

“If they’re important to you, then don’t let anyone tell you to get rid of them,” I say, even though my face is pressed against skin. “They’re beautiful.”

Her hands move to my face, cradling it, tilting it upwards so she can see me. There’s tears in her eyes, along with fear and cautious hope. “Does that mean you…?”

“Yes.” I bring my hands up so I can wipe those tears away. They don’t belong there anymore. “You have me, I promise. I was just- scared. Scared it was too good to be true.”

Her face breaks out into that easy smile, a watery laugh gracing her lips. I don’t realize I’m smiling too until her thumbs trace over my cheeks as she bends for another kiss. This time I let it last. I let my thoughts go until she wants this embrace to end. Until then, I’ll be content to kiss her, to hold her, to let my heart sing praise to the heavens for bringing us together. If there’s any prayer I’m inclined to utter, it’s that one.

* * *

The next morning, when we wake, Rey is almost radiant. Her smile makes her skin glow.

“Do you need to go to services?” I ask. I don’t want to interfere with her attempts at being shomer shabbos. 

“I’d rather stay home,” she says with a little grin as she leans in for a chaste kiss. “What are you doing next Friday night?”

“Nothing much. Packing for the short trip up to my parents for Hanukkah.”  
  
Her eyes scan my face and she bites her lip. “Would you say no to a Shabbat dinner with some of my friends? It’s informal. They’re not Jewish.”

“Yes,” I say quickly, sensing her anxiety. “I’d love to.”

Rey smiles again and buries her face into my shoulder. I squeeze her just because I’ve learned since last night that she giggles when I do.

“Do you want to go with me? For the first night of Hanukkah? I can ask my mom. I already know she’d be very excited to have you.”

“Yes,” she breathes. “Yes, absolutely.” 

Her laughter is high and giddy as I kiss her cheeks, then her mouth. We cling to each other, and all feels right in the world. Beshert.

**Author's Note:**

> [Find me on the twitter sometime?](https://twitter.com/MsCoppelia)


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